Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I had most profound thought last night. More than thought: an understanding not only on visceral level; understanding like when we see the three dimensional object for the first time big a-ha moment big "of course it is so obvious" discovery.

I realized that through most of my life since my early childhood I have spend rejecting those parts of reality that I did not like, was displeased by, disgusted or disturbed by. Moreover, I have spend most of my adult life refining my ability to discern correctly what is "good" and what is "bad". I was using all my intellect, intuition, memory, all cognitive power that was in my disposition to determine and sort out what I could criticize and what to praise and to what degree. My executive parts of the brain were used to determine when and how I should be sharing those laboriously constructed opinions with the rest of the population. In my experience rest of the human kind did not care much about my observations being busy assessing the world from their own point of view. Yet if only I had opportunity to find the pair of ears that would give me attention it would be for me immensely pleasurable and satisfying experience to ramble about. I was not discouraged at the least by the fact that attention given to me was usually in an exchange for my time spend listening to opinions of mouth attached to the pair of ears. The sharing my opinions was important to me. I felt than that I was contributing somehow. Delusions like that if not disappear suddenly but wear off gradually. With time I shared my opinions less often and only when asked, yet still I thought that having those preferences was important part of my identity - Well who does not identify with their own opinions?

And then last night I was thinking about my messy and unfinished house and how displeased I am with it and it shows since I am always embarrassed specially when strangers come for the first time. And than the word came: EMBRACE.
And I understood; I should embrace my ugly and messy and so unperfect little house. It gives me shelter and warmth, and there is always hot water in the tap, and the house is mine. And with the house I should embrace the other things in my life that displease me. Irritating people, and frustrating bureaucrats, and all faulty and struggling humans. Even people who stray very far from decency. Even cruel people, even war lords and human traffickers. Not, it does not mean that I should condone or be indifferent to their actions - NO, but I should embrace those erring and unperfected people and include them as recipients of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I am able to master in this most beautiful universe I happen to occupy. And since the world around me is only reflection of my inner life, acceptance of what is around me represents acceptance of myself. Unconditional acceptance. It is freedom. It is LOVE. It is surrender mystics mention and I was thinking so long about and could not bring myself even close to.
That thought was very strong and almost tangible and enveloped me like warm blanket with reassurance warmth and softness. I was thinking and feeling it with amassment and wander and relief and joy. Sebastian sleeping beside me was breathing evenly. There is so much love I was thinking; there is so much love to give.
I had most profound thought last night. More than thought: an understanding not only on visceral level; understanding like when we see the three dimensional object for the first time big a-ha moment big "of course it is so obvious" discovery.

I realized that through most of my life since my early childhood I have spend rejecting those parts of reality that I did not like, was displeased by, disgusted or disturbed by. Moreover, I have spend most of my adult life refining my ability to discern correctly what is "good" and what is "bad". I was using all my intellect, intuition, memory, all cognitive power that was in my disposition to determine and sort out what I could criticize and what to praise and to what degree. My executive parts of the brain were used to determine when and how I should be sharing those laboriously constructed opinions with the rest of the population. In my experience rest of the human kind did not care much about my observations being busy assessing the world from their own point of view. Yet if only I had opportunity to find the pair of ears that would give me attention it would be for me immensely pleasurable and satisfying experience to ramble about. I was not discouraged at the least by the fact that attention given to me was usually in an exchange for my time spend listening to opinions of mouth attached to the pair of ears. The sharing my opinions was important to me. I felt than that I was contributing somehow. Delusions like that if not disappear suddenly but wear off gradually. With time I shared my opinions less often and only when asked, yet still I thought that having those preferences was important part of my identity - Well who does not identify with their own opinions?

And then last night I was thinking about my messy and unfinished house and how displeased I am with it and it shows since I am always embarrassed specially when strangers come for the first time. And than the word came: EMBRACE.
And I understood; I should embrace my ugly and messy and so unperfect little house. It gives me shelter and warmth, and there is always hot water in the tap, and the house is mine. And with the house I should embrace the other things in my life that displease me. Irritating people, and frustrating bureaucrats, and all faulty and struggling humans. Even people who stray very far from decency. Even cruel people, even war lords and human traffickers. Not, it does not mean that I should condone or be indifferent to their actions - NO, but I should embrace those erring and unperfected people and include them as recipients of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I am able to master in this most beautiful universe I happen to occupy. And since the world around me is only reflection of my inner life, acceptance of what is around me represents acceptance of myself. Unconditional acceptance. It is freedom. It is LOVE. It is surrender mystics mention and I was thinking so long about and could not bring myself even close to.
That thought was very strong and almost tangible and enveloped me like warm blanket with reassurance warmth and softness. I was thinking and feeling it with amassment and wander and relief and joy. Sebastian sleeping beside me was breathing evenly. There is so much love I was thinking; there is so much love to give.
 
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