I had most profound thought last night. More than thought: an understanding not only on visceral level; understanding like when we see the three dimensional object for the first time big a-ha moment big "of course it is so obvious" discovery.

I realized that through most of my life since my early childhood I have spend rejecting those parts of reality that I did not like, was displeased by, disgusted or disturbed by. Moreover, I have spend most of my adult life refining my ability to discern correctly what is "good" and what is "bad". I was using all my intellect, intuition, memory, all cognitive power that was in my disposition to determine and sort out what I could criticize and what to praise and to what degree. My executive parts of the brain were used to determine when and how I should be sharing those laboriously constructed opinions with the rest of the population. In my experience rest of the human kind did not care much about my observations being busy assessing the world from their own point of view. Yet if only I had opportunity to find the pair of ears that would give me attention it would be for me immensely pleasurable and satisfying experience to ramble about. I was not discouraged at the least by the fact that attention given to me was usually in an exchange for my time spend listening to opinions of mouth attached to the pair of ears. The sharing my opinions was important to me. I felt than that I was contributing somehow. Delusions like that if not disappear suddenly but wear off gradually. With time I shared my opinions less often and only when asked, yet still I thought that having those preferences was important part of my identity - Well who does not identify with their own opinions?

And then last night I was thinking about my messy and unfinished house and how displeased I am with it and it shows since I am always embarrassed specially when strangers come for the first time. And than the word came: EMBRACE.

And I understood; I should embrace my ugly and messy and so unperfect little house. It gives me shelter and warmth, and there is always hot water in the tap, and the house is mine. And with the house I should embrace the other things in my life that displease me. Irritating people, and frustrating bureaucrats, and all faulty and struggling humans. Even people who stray very far from decency. Even cruel people, even war lords and human traffickers. Not, it does not mean that I should condone or be indifferent to their actions - NO, but I should embrace those erring and unperfected people and include them as recipients of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I am able to master in this most beautiful universe I happen to occupy. And since the world around me is only reflection of my inner life, acceptance of what is around me represents acceptance of myself. Unconditional acceptance. It is freedom. It is LOVE. It is surrender mystics mention and I was thinking so long about and could not bring myself even close to.

That thought was very strong and almost tangible and enveloped me like warm blanket with reassurance warmth and softness. I was thinking and feeling it with amassment and wander and relief and joy. Sebastian sleeping beside me was breathing evenly. There is so much love I was thinking; there is so much love to give.

I had most profound thought last night. More than thought: an understanding not only on visceral level; understanding like when we see the three dimensional object for the first time big a-ha moment big "of course it is so obvious" discovery.

I realized that through most of my life since my early childhood I have spend rejecting those parts of reality that I did not like, was displeased by, disgusted or disturbed by. Moreover, I have spend most of my adult life refining my ability to discern correctly what is "good" and what is "bad". I was using all my intellect, intuition, memory, all cognitive power that was in my disposition to determine and sort out what I could criticize and what to praise and to what degree. My executive parts of the brain were used to determine when and how I should be sharing those laboriously constructed opinions with the rest of the population. In my experience rest of the human kind did not care much about my observations being busy assessing the world from their own point of view. Yet if only I had opportunity to find the pair of ears that would give me attention it would be for me immensely pleasurable and satisfying experience to ramble about. I was not discouraged at the least by the fact that attention given to me was usually in an exchange for my time spend listening to opinions of mouth attached to the pair of ears. The sharing my opinions was important to me. I felt than that I was contributing somehow. Delusions like that if not disappear suddenly but wear off gradually. With time I shared my opinions less often and only when asked, yet still I thought that having those preferences was important part of my identity - Well who does not identify with their own opinions?

And then last night I was thinking about my messy and unfinished house and how displeased I am with it and it shows since I am always embarrassed specially when strangers come for the first time. And than the word came: EMBRACE.

And I understood; I should embrace my ugly and messy and so unperfect little house. It gives me shelter and warmth, and there is always hot water in the tap, and the house is mine. And with the house I should embrace the other things in my life that displease me. Irritating people, and frustrating bureaucrats, and all faulty and struggling humans. Even people who stray very far from decency. Even cruel people, even war lords and human traffickers. Not, it does not mean that I should condone or be indifferent to their actions - NO, but I should embrace those erring and unperfected people and include them as recipients of all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE that I am able to master in this most beautiful universe I happen to occupy. And since the world around me is only reflection of my inner life, acceptance of what is around me represents acceptance of myself. Unconditional acceptance. It is freedom. It is LOVE. It is surrender mystics mention and I was thinking so long about and could not bring myself even close to.

That thought was very strong and almost tangible and enveloped me like warm blanket with reassurance warmth and softness. I was thinking and feeling it with amassment and wander and relief and joy. Sebastian sleeping beside me was breathing evenly. There is so much love I was thinking; there is so much love to give.

I have been living under the rock recently, and partly it was my clear intention do not know what is going on in the big world around me. I retreated to my solitary world like wounded wild animal that can not bear the harshness of the jungle till it gets stronger. But here it came the event that is resounded like echo from our past.

Here is Ontario Autism Coalition announcement:

Join the Ontario Autism Coalition as we wrap a huge puzzle piece banner around the south lawn of Queen's Park to protest the ever-increasing waitlist for IBI therapy in Ontario. Together, we will demand that all parties in the upcoming provincial election announce their policies related to autism. Our home-made puzzle piece banner, constructed from strips of cotton bedsheets and decorated with spray-painted puzzle pieces, will easily stretch from the MacDonald statue all the way up to the Whitney Block, which houses the Premier's office. Please feel free to invite your friends! We'll need lots of hands to hold the banner and some other protest signs while we catch all the northbound traffic. Let's cause a scene!

Where:

Queen's Park / Toronto, ON, South Lawn--meet at the Sir John A. MacDonald statue

When:

Wednesday, August 31 · 4:30pm - 6:30pm

It happened that I had to cancel three appointments I had this day. I am not that busy, but Wednesday was thy only day I had any appointments this week. Watch out! are coming to our old stomping grounds at Queen's Park.

A lot of things change. But I am still a hick, and I still live in the steel city.

testing...

I am so depressed today it hurts. I think some people do have their brain chemistry tuned perfectly most of the time, and do not even realize what kind of gift they have.

It is very difficult to believe that God is all knowing and all orchestrating being if one is, like me, witnessing suffering of innocent child and hearing his cries everyday. All knowing, all mighty God would prevent it. I would prevent it and healed children, all children, if I was all knowing. It is only my ignorance that keeps me from healing my child. and it was my ignorance that allowed me to expose him to something that made him sick. So if God is not the all knowing all mighty being, than it is may be The Order of Things, the Law. And yet how is it possible that the law of universe, law of life created beings that are not aware of their inherent nature? We are the fruit of the Law and yet completely and so helplessly ignorant of it?

According to the scripture we were created for the likeness of the divine. If that is the truth we have the power of creation. So we have it by the Law of universe we are part of, and yet we do not know how to apply it. So it is like we all had a car but it was invisible, and we were unaware of it, and also we would not know not only how to drive, but also that places to go existed. Does make sense? So far I am waiting for a bus. Visible bus with driver that knows how to drive. Some people say that after death one goes places. For the chosen ones the bus comes before they die. I think I am using all my faculties, and all my wit, but it never ever seem to be enough to even get a glimpse of understanding what is going on around.

It is very difficult to believe.

I am tired and I have a headache.

I am a mother. I have to keep going.

It has been 20 years since I have come to Canada.
Regrets. Regrets. Regrets.

Things are changing. There is a lot happening. Unfortunately not all of it good. More news soon.

I think I had went through some very difficult days. I hope we will have better times from now on. Sebastian sleeps all through the night now, and is gaining weight thanks to goat milk and due to considerable appetite. That is a change I thought would never happen. He is five years old now. He understans simple sentences now, and can do couple of signs, but words has not came yet. I am worried, and yet, I do have hope for him. I think his light is coming back

To jest nowy post na którym próbuję ogonki.
ĄąĆćĘꣳŃńÓ󌜏źŻż

Thank you Blogger for having such a good memory!

It is November already.
Sebastian is doing well in his therapy in spite of reduced hours.
I am running out of my credit. The therapy costs from $2400 to $3700 a month
I will have to stop it soon. I is very difficult decision. Daycare is not coming through. We went for a tour of one of the day-cares yesterday. Seeing Sebastian among his pears is a heart breaking and painfully sobering realization; he is a universe away from them. Social, verbal, cognitive, emotional, imaginative skills and abilities of average two and half years old child I was able to observe are like university comparing to what Sebastian can do right now. And gap is widening. He is developing, but nowhere close to the rate of normal child. And he is into himself, so much. I am living in denial and it serves me well. To me he is perfect the way he is. I know his spirit. It is an honor and delight to be his mother. What breaks my heart is not even the fact that he is autistic, my broken dreams about having normal happy child, and my own grandchildren one day. It is the fact that I am not able to help him develop to his full potential whatever that potential is. No skills, no money, no strength and paralyzing dullness. It is very difficult day for me.
Denial and false hopes for some kind of the miracle, please come back!

Sebastian was diagnosed with autism March 4th.
It is summer now.
His therapy started this week.
It is difficult to think about the future.

Dear Blogger,
My son is almost two years old now. The sweetest baby boy I have ever known.

We had great christening party couple of weeks ago. I have great friends. It is real blessing.

Money is tight.
I am working only part time. House was not rented for four months and I had a lot of expenses installing washer & dryer. It takes a lot of money I do not have to hire somebody to do something, and it takes for ever when I try to do it myself. Also I do not do it as well as professional would. I need to start working.
There is a lot of thinks I need to do.
So little time.
By for now.
Yours trully

Oh, My Dear Blogger!
A lot of things changed since 2001.
I have met somebody new exiting and different ( soo different!)
I have fallen in love,
I have lost my mind,
I have lost my temper,
I have found a house,
I had a child,
I have become a helpless child again,
I needed help,
and my friends came,
and my brother helped,
and my mother was here too.

My mother is a giant.

I am a mother now.
Very, very worried mother I am.
I will have to go back to work soon, and I really do not want to.
Need money. A lot of it.
I am the kind of mother that wants to stay with her baby all day.
I would like to have another baby too.

Renovations in my house are not finished yet.

Father of my baby is a bit strange I think.
Naive to the point of arrogance I was thinking that we would reconcile our differences. He does not come to see us now.
His pride and fear is bigger than love for his firstborn son.
That is why I think he is a strange man.
I feel for him but I do not think I will ever be able to understand him.
He thinks that I am point blank crazy.
He is not visiting us anymore.
Maybe it is better that way.

I am soo busy and worried again
My website is not ready,
My taxes are not done.
I need to rent part of my house. People who are coming are rather scary looking toothless and smoking heavily rottweiler owning welfare recipients. They come and letting me know that they do not have any other landlord references because they have been living with theirs mother till now although they look forty.
My ife is a big sitcom.
I just do not feel like laughing when I scared too much.
To the next time
Your hick.

By now everybody knows i am not a real blogger. Never will be. I is summer again. So many things changed, and so many things stayed the same. Love you all.

So the year 2001 is almost over.

It is thanksgiving weekend in Canada.
The weather i gorgeous.
On Saturday we went to October Feast. Schnytzels, sauerkraut, polkas, and a lot of beer. In the morning we have seen first snow of that season: just an inch of puffy flakes on the roof of the car - ground was to warm or wet to sustain any snow.
I keep myself stressed out by my procrastinating just for sport I guess.
I do not watch the news.

How different everything is now.
I give my condolences to fellow Americans.
I pray for suffering people of the world.
For mothers and their children.
And I hope in spite of it all.
In spite of hatred and indifference so carelessly bred in so many places for so long.
That is all I can do, or think of.
Hope.

Yeah, I like my work now.
And the summer is great.
And I am going to Whitehorse next week. Just to have a look around.
And things are looking up.
I do not do my weblogging regularly or almost at all, and world is still rolling around very nicely.
Love you all.
Thank you, thank you very much.